Saw the psychiatrist today. Was willing to up the Abilify for the hallucinations. However, they may have been due to lack of sleep. (4 days). Having a few hallucinations is normal. That’s where I am today. A few is the new normal. So when asked about the Abilify increase I was able to decline. The added side effects could be worse than the few sightings of light things and movers around the room. So I accept the abnormal as the new normal as long as it doesn’t increase more.

So today I learned that I have unconsciously accepted symptoms as a part of life. The reporting from me was constantly lacking since I was able to say I am fine when in actuality I was not. Abnormal does not have to be the new normal especially when the fear of getting worse due to changes falls away. May have to become more uncomfortable before becoming completely comfortable. Perhaps a goal worth shooting for, but not until the abnormal becomes more unbearable. Sad but true.

I have been targeted again by SSI for a check up. This is about the sixth one in two years. I was put on permanent disability 2 years ago. Now they call or write every few months with a review to get more information. Usually it is a letter that threatens to cut off SSI and Medicaid. Then they call! Last time they called they asked me why they were calling!?! I did not set up the appointment so how would I know. After a few minutes of hold I was asked a few routine questions and let go. Then my check was cut soon after for the information that they typed in. SSI made decisions based on instinct and not on information. It took three visits over a months time to get that straightened out. Then after three months I get another threat letter saying more info is needed! This is getting out of control. Nothing has changed except I got a hair cut. Here is another appointment to get more info that they have ten times over literally. Nothing has changed. This is like a target situation waiting for the slightest number to be off to take funds again. Adding insult to injury I was insulted on the phone with a worker. I was told to bring in forms to stop overpayment deductions. I drove them in when I received them. She insulted my best handwriting and said do it again. It is hard for me to hold a pen sometimes so I had to have my family help. Then when they received the forms the second time they denied them anyways! What!?! I was told to bring the forms down, twice, and then she said “I don’t care, I will deny them anyway!” Wow! This whole situation was just resolved close to the holiday season. Three months later, it time for a “random” review to get more info. This is getting outrageous! No Changes…it’s the same everything as the last time but a little less hair!!! But that won’t go over to well. So I have to maintain and pretend to be normal for awhile and hope that I don’t say what I feel right now as I blog away to absolutely no one.

Digestive issues are still clouding the mind. Asking questions very few can answer. Developing mild to severe brain fog, losing ability to sleep, seeing hallucinations, all due to diet. The second brain, as it is called, is controlling the first and I can’t figure out the pattern. Some foods are obvious but others not so much. Food dyes are horrible but only after a tolerance threshold. Phenylalanine is poison to me! No Fenol enzymes add some relief. Probiotics are slowly helping as far as I can tell. It is amazing how the little things add up to so much. When dealing with threshold levels, it’s hard to tell if it is something current or something over the limit. Add to the fact that details are not a strength when it comes to a food journal. Then I am supposed to keep up the journal for several months! A laughing matter even in the thought.

Here is the summary. I have major episodes of decomposition when certain GI issues occur. The episodes have some similar traits to autistic meltdowns as well as schizophrenia. The problem is that it is Gut related. Bi-polar sucks all by itself. Add the GI issues, or leaky gut, or IBS or whatever it is and wham! Too many issues to deal with and not enough information to study. My only help was in studying Autism where there is a very high correlation between what I go through and with the same foods and what an autistic man goes through. Maybe it’s not OCD after all, maybe it’s Guts, but that sounds nuts!

I have been writing answers on Quora all day. An exercise in futility. Each question answered only leads to more questions hence the name QUestion OR Answers. So I should not be surprised. However, I wanted to try and help someone. Does an answer really help? Does the response really mean anything? Endless questions, most of which I just go look up before answering. Why wouldn’t I they do the same thing? Why trust me? From now on I am only going to answer according to experience as opposed to expertise. For experience is personal and unknown until expressed. Expertise is just a click away, so hey Siri and hello Google! By the way, I have to ask Quora about my digestive issues.

Steps are extremely important. Any task can appear overwhelming in certain mood states. Usually that is how I know that a change is occurring in my mood. When I go from taking on insurmountable ideas to having trouble visualizing the basics of tooth brushing something has changed!

Well the task at hand is releasing my first single on iTunes and other stores dealing with mental illness. Initially it was easy to do and all of the apps and knowledge necessary was in memory. As things progressed the memory went first, and things such as converting files to wav or even simple password combos were gone. Then even the drive to write was becoming a task. Then there was just some time off and even scorning all,of the time and money invested to make this happen.

Now I am slowly recovering and made a few decisions on the first three songs/poems to release. Also spoke with the sound engineer, communicated with the label on a few questions, and finalized some of the spoken word. So even though it is not complete yet, it seems not only possible, but very probable. All of this due to steps. Hopefully, I will endure to the end on this project. I don’t foresee selling many as mental illness is not a profitable niche. Combine that with another lost art of poetry by an amateur and you get what is coming soon. What that product will be is a dream for me as I attempt to communicate one step at a time.

The physiological response to this disease is quite severe sometimes. So many body pains that somatization was a word thrown around. Does anyone else experience bodily responses that are directly related to bipolar? If so, where can I find the article or blog. Just wanting to know if this is common or just my brand of mania.

Honestly, today is a planning day. I realize like never before, that I am not a blogger. Plans are being made for the release of a single. Soft spoken word poetry that I am confident no one will buy. Poetry is not today’s niche for entertainment. Blogs do much better but so far not much there either. Everyone is a blogger, so who will read. Just endless blogs full of information but if no one reads then it says nothing. So today, I have nothing to say.

Always difficult at appointments. Usually a detailed account of the last month or so is going to be asked for. What happens if I can not remember breakfast yesterday? However, since last month was so chaotic this visit was actually pretty easy. I became a stranger for sleep for four days and nights. Started having hallucinations. Was very close to going to hospital because the Trazodone and Melatonin was failing me. Fortunately I fell off for a few hours the fifth night. Then eagerly awaited the crash course to catch up on some missing zzzs. It never happened. I am still waiting. Tired but not sleepy. Averaging about 4 hours per night. How’s your day going?

www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-3df5b-a751d6

I was asked the difference between speaking about issues and venting for relief. However, the question was about how long are we to listen to someone dump if they do not even desire to change. Toxic emotional dumping for relief but not transformation. Ultimately it just leads to more dumping every time something does not perfectly fit into their psyche. I was told that I am a problem solver. It was said as an insult but I received it as reality. I was told that many just want to vent, but my heart is to prevent. There comes a time for self preservation against the constant spewing of personal negativity, especially when there does not seem to be an end in sight.

So I conclude with a simple solution. To each his or her own. I am not qualified to listen to problems all day even though I have a degree in social work. I do not have the personality to constantly hear problems without thinking of possible solutions. Therefore, I just communicate to the emotionally charged individuals, before they go off the “deep end” of my ability. Once it is understood, then I can reinforce my gift in the times of vents. Usually the other will become so frustrated with not being able to control my ear that they find someone else. Or they decide to listen to possible solutions.

If you know me and want help, then I am here. If you do not want help, then I refuse to listen. Nothing personal just self preservation.